First Tooth

Well it’s official: my 5 (almost 6) year old daughter, my baby girl looks like a true Canadian. That’s right—she lost her first tooth. Did I cry a bit? No… ok maybe just on the inside.

Why does this even matter? Seriously though I shouldn’t be upset about this but for some reason I almost didn’t want it to happen. There I said it, I didn’t want it to happen because that means she is growing up. Now I’m not that ignorant that I thought she wouldn’t grow up, just like boys think girls don’t fart. Life lesson boys, girls fart and probably a lot louder and stinkier than you. That’s just life people… kids lose their teeth and chicks fart.

Ok so let me tell you though, I was so proud of how well she took it. Like a champ—no crying, that thing came out and she says; “Dad, my tooth just came out!” and I asked her if she is sure, like an idiot. She didn’t even bat an eye and before I knew it that thing was under her pillow. Naturally I panicked, grabbed it, and ran to her mother.

So this is my first time being a tooth fairy and I’d just like to give a big ‘fuck you’ to whoever invented this horrible game of broken trust. Seriously who made this shit up, I’m literally having weekly conversations about not lying with this kid and here I am in the middle of the night sneaking around putting dirty money under her pillow.

Let me give you the play-by-play: first off I’m sweaty, like just worked out kind of sweaty. I get up and grab the toonie, (for my none Canadian readers, that’s a 2 dollar coin). There I am in my undies with 2 dollars in my hand, sneaking around my house. I finally get in the room and panic—that’s right, I ran right back out. I take a quick few and go back in, except this time I don’t find the tooth! So naturally I run out again. This time I come prepared, so there we are: me, my wife and my phone. My heart is racing probably faster then it should have and I might want to go get it looked at but that’s beside the point. So she finds the tooth, I slip her the 2 bucks and then I fucking split. I left my wife in the dust! That’s right, if anyone was getting caught it was her. Sure that might make me the bad guy but I was not going to be the one caught lying. If that shit happens, game-over she wins—and I don’t lose.

I’m sure glad that’s over because that was stressful. I’m honestly not to sure how I’m going to do this another 100 times. If old age doesn’t get me, being the tooth fairy will.

Got into a fight with the tooth fairy and won two dollars.

N.R.W

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